Waiting on a Message

      Every year around the holidays I have a huge amount of internal stress. It seems as though the holiday's remind me of how unprepared I am. Tithing settlement never seems to be at ease, bills are due, presents are expected. It has gotten to the point where Christmas can be harder and harder to contemplate. My ability to remember Christ during this time can be clouded by heavy thoughts. I feel like at the young age of 31 I've created some type of habit where this is the norm. While recently attending church I had a brief thought during the sacrament. I felt the need to remind myself that in order to have the most beneficial sacrament, I should look for messages throughout the hour. As I did so, I was reminded of Adam, the first man on earth. As I thought about him traveling the barren desert, I recolected that it was he who told the very adversary that he was looking for messages from his Father to tell him what he should do next. Understanding that Adam felt the need to constantly be aware of when messages were made available reminded me that I should too be looking for those messages to help lead and guide me. And so as I sat in the remainder of the sacrament hour, I wrote what came to mind. As I did a tithing envelope slipped out of my notebook and I was reminded of all the bills I must pay this month. I've been contemplating what I should do this week concerning that. I have my BYU tuition due, yet I also have my tithing settlement due. If I can't pay for school I will have to wait another year to enroll. At 31, this is the last thing I ever want to do. But, what kind f member am I, what kind of disciple am I if I can't remember that spiritual laws are the greatest of all. The Lord ask that way pay 1/10th of all that we are given and in return he will prepare mansions for us. So with my faith, I will pay my tithing on time and hope for a way my school can be paid in time. I don't know how it will work out but it always does and I'm sticking close to that miracle.

Beyond the Smile

        I'm 31 and have been working since the age of 7. With my first job my Mother the business owner used to pay me 0.25 an hour to file paperwork from customers she had sold cars to. Since that time, the amount of jobs I've had have grown and grown. You name it, I've probably done it. In addition I've always had 2 jobs simultaneously. Sadly, I've always had a knack for burning out very quickly. This is partly due to working in jobs where the moral is low and the pay is even lower. The moment I realize I'm working with people that could care less about my welfare, that's at the point I'm usually considering a new job. Some may call that being uncommitted, maybe ego-driven, even a bit flakey; rather, I'm usually considering the blimp hanging over my head that reads, "Life is short, don't settle for less, be brave". With that, I'm always moving into something new every couple years and seeing how much I can improve with skills and really in all honesty,  trying to own kindness. Because lets be real, if you're not kind, you probably aren't very good at your job. Unanimously, every employee in a work setting can point to the people that make the work environment lousy and more times than not, they don't have kindness kindled by their side.

   So, if we were to take all of my past co-workers which would probably consist of 2,000-2,500 people roughly, what would they say about me? I'd imagine most would say I'm always smiling but gets frazzled easily. That I'm a Mormon and funny. I also think some girls who never wanted my friendship from the get go would say I'm annoying. I get this idea from a lot of dirty looks I've shrugged off from the past by just making conversation. Sometimes work makes people cranky and they aren't in the mood to be social. There's also been many girls who have gotten to know me and openly admitted they thought I was very "intimidating" from the confidence I air. All together I think people may say that I care immensely about people's well being and am a good honest hard worker. If I were to be asked what I posses as a worker, I would really hone in on my conscience effort to be kind, service oriented, caring, and try my hardest to smile at everyone to make them feel more happy. I point out these work traits to better highlight my goals during this life.

   So with all of these jobs I've created a reputation for who I am. I like my reputation, I like the variety of jobs I've had and the skills I posses. But there's really a large problem with this. What I've failed to write is I haven't been fair to my time here on earth. As much as I care about how I perform during work, the choices behind leaving all my jobs have been centered around negativity. Most jobs I've worked, I've smiled on the outside, delivered great work, but really have had hatred stirred inside me every work day until recently. I've criticized all productivity, thinking there's better ways, smarter ways. I absolutely despised lazy workers and people that cheat systems. I'm offended inside by people's choice of language and resistant to any form of harassment from my peers. I always think I could make more money elsewhere, and will complain to my family the moment I get home. So, my time here on earth, a great deal, has been wasted smiling on the outside and wasting on the inside.

   Recently, I got a new job. The people around me hate their job. All but one. Her name is Stephanie. A retired veteran. She's 50 and rides her motorcycle to work. She's loud, happy, and tough as nails. I'm pretty sure she could take a nail to the head and pull it out and go straight back to work. This woman makes so many people happy. She makes my days filled with light and I go home thinking I want to be more and more like her. My first week on the job I saw all the things I could learn to easily hate. The people around me didn't make it any easier. The complains from all just keep rolling in. But I made a really really strong choice to never look at those holes, and If I yield to negative thoughts, to just plow threw them and run them down fast. Yesterday, I took the time to thank Stephanie for her attitude. She shared with me that she doesn't even need this job, but the real currency is making people happy. I've reflected greatly on everything she's taught me and really do love her and her willingness to be what so many other's are not. Ever since I made the effort to turn my head in the wake of disappointment, I truly have come to say outloud that, "I love my job". I really do. This is the first time I've ever felt like this in my life. I'm so lucky I get paid to do what I do. I have every opportunity to make other's happy. I have integrity, and I'm going to prove to my peers that I am the very best in what I do.

   It's a sin to be angry, it's a sin to be idle, and a sin to be contentious. Blessed are those who have charity and continue to serve others and carry yourselves with a cheerful disposition. The Book of Mormon teaches the principle that if you prepare yourselves in this life and follow the commandments then no evil can overpower you but God can only strengthen you and enrich your preparations. If a job is starting to become a negative topic of conversation with yourself or others, delve into learning about your job and do what others aren't doing. Learn of your field and make it better. Stand out and be happy. In the end be so great at your job that no one can replace you. Life is filled with choices, choose to be outstanding. I leave these things with you in the name of the all mighty redeemer, jesus Christ,

Amen.

Change Through Miracles.

   On October 30th, 2015 I met my 10 year anniversary mark of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In these 10 years, as a promise from God this is what I've been given. 2 Nephi 28:30 accounts:

30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have

There have been layers in my membership. In the beginning I was taught doctrine, principle, language, culture and how the Holy Ghost feels. A few years passed and I learned how to be exact with callings, tithing settlement, responsibilities and service. A couple more years passed and I entered the Lords house. The largest of all my choices in the church so far. And now, as 10 years has arrived, I'm still advancing spiritually but am reminded of just how young my spiritual mind is. This month I'm learning how to love my ward family. To not just love specific members, but to love all that belong to our ward boundaries and serve them well.

It's said that a human will learn the most he or she ever learns between the ages of 3 and 8 and this may be true from a scientific, biological standpoint but from a spiritual standpoint (which I feel is greater then biological) I really feel like the most I've ever learned is in these last 10 years. Ironically enough, What I was taught during my primitive years wasn't very healthy for a child and I learned many things that have needed to be corrected as an adult. And the only way that correction has been feasible is through my membership inside the church. The only way to repair the past has been through The Book of Mormon and Jesus Christ's atonement for mankind.

As I've been healing from my childhood, there's been lots of questions in the last year as to how The Atonement can heal me, Many times, I have felt despair. I've felt frustrated, so lost and feeling like I just would never heal. It seemed like change wasn't something I could do. It wasn't until I fully surrendered my problems and let God take control of all the confusion did I start to see miracles happen and things change in my life. Something new I started doing is this. When I'm scared and fearful I tell him, "Dear God, I'm so scared, and it hurts, and I don't want to be the way I have been. I can't control this because it's bigger than me. Can you please make me strong and able to get through this and I will stop being scared and know that you are aware of me and in control". From this moment on, I stop worrying as much as I can and only think about the positive things God can do. I repeat his goodness in my head and don't let the fear arise.

This week I had a situation where I knew I couldn't handle what had happen to me. The offense that was brought into my head made me sick and immediately made me feel aloof and paralyzed. I prayed and was influenced to not act on my feelings but rather act with love and continue to not let my feeling be me but to be a new Kristina. I followed through for an hour even though it was discomfiting and felt like the pain might be written on my face. I kept smiling and acting with compliments and ended up changing what could've been a bad situation into a great one. This was the first time since the age of 6 I had ever done such. It blew my mind. I felt like I broke free from chains that have always held me under. As simple as this example is, it shows me, that line upon line, precept upon precept, God can change me and help me be a new Kristina. I can see that for every situation now that may cause me fear, I can remember this miracle and use it as a reference as I evolve.

God will always fix what we cannot but I believe you must also be willing to try all you can. This life's journey is a test and part of passing that test is looking for Christ to help fix the broken pieces, His life was a sacrifice for all of Mankind. I testify that Jesus lives and we have a father in heaven who loves us so much he has shown us the way to return to him and his son. I say these thing in the beloved sons name, Jesus Christ- Amen

Addiction Recovery Program

   In the last 3 months the church has produced a catalog of short serie documents to help raise awareness and resources in the aid of addictions. As of last week I've joined the LDS Recovery Addiction Program. My boyfriend ordered the workbook for me as a gift to help get me started. Now I don't suffer from the more commonly known addictions such as drugs, alcohol, or sex related trials. I struggle with something just as debilitating that isn't really spoken of but hinders every part of my life.

I'm addicted to poor thought patterns that are causing me to suffer beyond my own capacity. Boyd K. Packer of the 12 apostles wrote, "Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency." What I'm dealing with is a bondage that affects my behaviors and causes me to have emotional cravings that are not aligned with the Gospel. These patterns HARM my social, emotional, and spiritual well being.

The stories we tell ourselves are the most important line of thinking we do on this earth. Due to the stories I have told myself I have conditioned my thoughts to make me feel like many things in this life are threats and that's just how life will be because it is my trial to bear. As I've gotten older and tried to be in relationships I have struggled with feeling connected or aligned with the most important to date . On a daily basis I feel stressed, I can't manage my emotions, I have depression, I find faults, I'm quick to anger, and most of all I'm tied with negative thinking that makes me feel mountains of guilt. I wrote down on Thursday all the emotions I have on a daily basis and what I realized is no matter how active and faithful and service oriented I am in the church, Heavenly Father must feel so sad that his daughter deals with so much pain and anguish. I know that if I were to sit and talk with him he would ask me, "Kristina, my dearest daughter, why have you put yourself through so much hurt, when I gifted you with a Savior who could heal all of your pain? Wasn't my plan of happiness something we both wanted?"

Since opening and studying and pondering this manual I feel saved. Not healed and rid of all my poor thought patterns but truly pacified and accounted for. I know even after 2 simple days with the ARP in the near future I'm going to be healed.

Now, many people reading this may be skeptic and think that this excitement for future healing is just in the moment because it's new and different and that surely it will lose it's shine. But what's amazingly different is the day I opened the book and began to study my mind was opened to truths about my life I had never considered and I was visited by the Holy ghost and given confirmation about these principles as well. When I had my enlightenment I went through a whole first day feeling like someone took the 30 pound bag of rocks I was carrying off of my back. In the following days that have passed, in exploring my new insight, I feel as if I've had the administration of angels walking with me. When I've tried to articulate the way my mind is working now compared to before I can't find words. The words I try to use don't convey the miracle that's occurring. There aren't words sufficient enough to explain the progress that's being made mentally and the mercy i'm being granted spiritually.  I feel like I've been trying to jam all different types of keys into a very specific locket and nothing has worked until now. Now I have a key that fits and i have access to a new opening.

Most of all I feel very very close to God and The Savior. It is my hope that every member of the church can one day open this manual and have personal study. I don't even feel like the ARP should be only for people with  addictions. This program should be an outline of how to come closer to the Savior. We are here in the life to prove ourselves worthy and become like Jesus Christ. Next to the Book of Mormon, these teachings can change your life and prove that any change that's desired is possible.

I testify of Father in heaven who loves his children so much, he not only gave us The savior, but a comforter in the form of the Holy Ghost, a Prophet, the Priesthood, the Sacrament and a historical book filled with teachings on how to have joy and be of worth to return to live with out families in heaven. I say all of these sacred truths with a filled heart in the name of Jesus Christ, The Redeemer of All, Amen.


To learn more because you know your curious: https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

Untouchable

     As conference has passed there are many new things happening within the church. One is which is the calling of three new apostles. From this I have been thinking a lot about our leaders and who they interact with most.  It's obvious that they attend lots of meetings, and spend lots of time with God, but after much thought I came to the realization that the leaders of this church interact with the members of the church the most. This type of thinking lead me to relate to other leaders of the world in the same aspect. 

    Last week, The Pope came for a visit to the U.S. and the main news headlines for a week were circled around the Pope reaching out to bless bystanders, or go against protocol to touch the crowds.  Even stopping his car to bless babies and kids. People felt loved and considered that a man of his stature would do such a thing on his precious time

      I started thinking that it shouldn't be news that a spiritual leader does something that Christ would so easily do. Why do we live in a society where getting in touch with church leaders makes the news. This lead my thoughts to further develop the idea that never in the History of the LDS church has it been difficult for members to get a hold of their leaders.  I don't believe God would send Prophets to this earth that are untouchable. If God tells us he loves us and wants us to be happy why would he block us from any revelation we may seek or help we may need from our leaders.

    The facts is if we wanted to, we could write a letter to anyone of our LDS leaders and in time receive a letter back. We could go to a speaking engagement and actually get to meet an apostle or the prophet and have the chance to smile, shake hands, be acknowledged, and feel the effects of their spirits. The list is actually long, You as the reader can probably think of a very specific time a leader in the church made you feel singular. 

     I'm so blessed to be part of a church where I know God created it. He actually got out the blueprints, finalized the building and began to raise the greatest establishment here on the earth. From his plans, we are not alone but have continued help and resources. His plan is a smart plan and I have a testimony of his living prophets. Since the keys of the restoration, we see that God never leaves his people without leaders and touchable leaders at that.

     As I finish the first chapter of The Book of Mormon I think so much about Nephi, one of the most fascinating prophets that ever lived. This chapter is filled with TRUTH and ENLIGHTENMENT. For the majority of this chapter we learn of Nephi, being the youngest, having 2 older brothers, Laman and Lemuel, who consistently create contention and malice towards him. We read that they despise Nephi for his younger age, leadership skills, and prophecies.  We learn of many stories where the brothers of Nephi, retaliate against him by intentionally hurting Nephi or literally trying to kill him in order silence his direction. Learning of all the plans and selfishness these brothers posses, Nephi never retaliates but prays for forgiveness, their salvation and an increase of their faith. We see that Nephi is self-disciplined and humble and always grateful. In one event, during a storm on a ship, Nephi is tied up for days by his murmuring brothers who seek to silence him, he expresses in a prayer:

1 Nephi 18:16

"Nevertheless, I did look unto my God and I did praise him all the day long and I did not murmur against the lord because of my afflictions"

     All of the Lord's Prophets are on his errand and are always looking towards him to know how to better serve the people around them. Knowing that Prophets of old and the prophet today may have lots of work to accomplish but always have time and the patience for the members makes my membership golden. I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I love that our prophets and leaders are touchable and real! After all, this is Christ church and this is what he would do. 

The Family, A Proclamation To The World.

     Last Sunday I was gifted with a large print of, "The Family, A Proclamation To The World". I was so overjoyed! One reason of which, I'm new to Hawaii, where I live and haven't quite felt like my studio is a place I like to be at. There's times where I feel alone, start to miss home and feel the need to be out of my home so I'm not reminded of the dramatic differences that have taken place with my life. Most would say that moving to Hawaii is a dream and it would be easy to make the changes. From a far, that's right, I wake up everyday and look out my window to see banana and coconut trees hanging low, the wind is always breezing, and I can swim in the big blue ocean at any time I want, even while I'm working strangely enough. I get to attend the temple down the street every week and work out in the lush green mountains or by the sea. But just learning to call a new place home has small details I didn't think would affect me. What's been hard to adjust to is just starting over. Big ways include trying to blend into my new family ward, trying to make my volunteer program Nurturing Souls (an aid for the homeless) work, making new friends, and even decorating my place the way I see fit. I like where I live to feel organized, appealing, functional. For some reason components have been missing and I'm just being patient because I understand, not everything can be controlled and in time things will work. With all this being said, When I received my large print of,"The Family, A Proclamation To The World", I felt like I was bringing home a newborn. When I got in the car, I even made sure to lay it out so nothing would touch it. When I arrived home I centred it on my fridge. I keep telling myself I'll frame it but I know I won't, mostly because I don't want to see a glare from the glass when I study it. I really love standing by my fridge, eating food, and just picking parts of it to admire. To be fair, when I feel like I'm doing myself an injustice by just picking parts to read I try to start from the top but fail because I just get so caught up in what I'm reading. What's stated is so powerful, It's quite mesmerizing. I now feel like my studio is becoming more spirit filled because of this great proclamation

    As the 20 year anniversary of this document passes, another anniversary comes. In October I will be celebrating my 10 year anniversary of becoming a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I've grown undoubtedly. I've made stakes in the ground as i've journeyed through this life. 10 years ago I knew there was a God who loved and answered prayers but I wasn't fully aware of a God that had the power to create every small detail of each man and woman. Since my spiritual education has taken place I have a testimony that:

      "ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

    Every person I meet and know is compared to this. When we live in times where gender identity is the key subject on news channels, media outlets, personal relationships, it's most important that we as saints revisit this needed message daily if needed. If we find that we may encounter people who oppose such views, all that matters is that we are empathetic and give great reminders to our loved ones. It's best to note that it is not our goal to judge, but only to share that there is a God whose most prized possessions are his children. 

God created me a woman, with full intentions that I would come to this earth and use my role to help support others during difficult times. He blessed me with a healthy body, and gave me inherent gifts to one day be a mother and help steward for others. I came to this earth with some gifts and am still discovering many. My gender is essential for his purpose. We can find many instances inside the Book of Mormon that help us understand a God who is in control and a creator of all beings. Below you can find a copy of The Family, A Proclamation To The World. 

With love and enjoy,

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THE FAMILY

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A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.